i had ended it. but you asked if we could take it that nothing happened. i said okay. now. i dunno if i had made the right choice. we were not meant to be. you dont even care about me anymore. im sick and tired of trying. why must it be that both our personalities are like this? i try to change, but im unable to. shouldnt a relationship be two-sided? you're not even trying. its okay. slowly, i will let go. i have reflected. whats the point in the end? misery. maybe not for you, but for me. my heart is too soft. i should've just ended it there and then at that time. why did i get myself into this mess. i hate myself. for not having the courage. i wish i had the courage like cheryl and wanxin and whoever does. for just going up to suihui and whoever and ask to take picture. they tried forcing me and pulling me to go up to find you, but i was scared i would be rejected or whatever. ugh. i hate hate hate myself. im so useless. now, the opportunity is gone. im very sure i wouldnt have a chance to take a picture with you or whatever anyway. see. what is the point. this isnt going anywhere. somemore. do you even love me anymore? wait. did you even love me in the first place. oh okay. i noe. you love everyone. i dont mean anything to you. fine. thanks alot okay. to me, you were the most important person. dont believe me? ask my friends. you're one of the very extremely few, or maybe even the only one, that i say the phrase 'i love you' to. i only say it when i truly mean it. you dun even bother to reply to most of my msgs. as i said. why am i even trying. this just makes me feel like such a rejected loser. thanks man. i bet you wouldnt even remember my birthday. and i am not going to hint either. i do not like people who keep hinting when their birthday is nearing. like whats the point man. if people want to give you a present, they would probably remember it. anyway, you wouldnt even be coming to school already, by the time my birthday comes. i hope the class doesnt sing birthday song to me. i dont like people singing to me. it makes me feel awkward. i hope that nobody even remembers la. i dont expect presents anyway. last year, only cynthia and nuzie gave me presents. im grateful to them. others, they say want to give me, but didnt. not that i care. i do not need them anyway. im such a pathetic fool. why cant i be more.. enthu? whatever it is. sighs.
iLOVEu
|9:17 AM|
ya fine i admit im jealous . i cant help it, can i? like hello, which person who is in my position wouldnt be? it seems like you care more about her than me. why. why must you always make me so depressed. sighs. ya i noe im unreasonable and petty and whatever crap. but hello. you're the senior and im the junior okay. obviously i would be more, what you call that, a little over-possessive of you? whatever. maybe i shouldnt care anymore. make myself oblivious to everything. put a shield to protect myself. then i wouldnt get hurt so easily. haii. why must this happen to me. our relationship is like, so weird? we msg so much [okay used to], but we dun even talk. we dun have much to say to each other face to face, but when we msg, there seems to be much more we can talk about. im not complaining. actually its like, both of us are quite similar. maybe thats why our relationship is so weird. or should i say unique. anyway, whatever.
if you like her so much, go to her then. you dun hafta give a damn about me anymore. i do not need sympathy.
iLOVEu
|7:34 AM|
you RUINED my life.
you made me
-know you
-care for you
-miss you
-love you
whatever you
and in the end, im jus like any other person. THANK YOU.
like what did i do to deserve this.
you were the world to me;
but to you, i was probably jus another.
its okay, i dun wanna force you.
as i said, it'll be better if we were apart.
i will try my best to stop msging you.
i dun wanna be some pesterer.
some idiotic junior.
some no-life person.
however, during service today, i learnt that i must forgive and forget, and love my enemies and forgive those that hurt me. i will do my best to do that. however, i may forgive but i may not forget even though my memory is crap.
its okay. i love you. i never hated you. never. even when you hurt me most.
iLOVEu
|7:46 AM|
i know you were forced to go talk to me. fine. since you dont even give a damn about me anyway. why did you have to pretend that you cared in the past? thanks alot man. what did i do in the first place. i shouldnt have gone online that night. ugh. why din anyone tell me not to go? sighs. it should just end la. its just pointless to carry on anyway. i should not have gone to ltc in the first place. den i wouldn become instructor. den i wouldnt noe you. den i wouldnt add you in friendster. den you wouldnt add me in msn. den i wouldnt go talk to you, then i wouldn be so miserable now. however, i dont think i've ever been as happy as i DID the past few months. ya. but i never regretted knowing you. okay i noe it sounds quite contradicting, but at least i was happy for a period of time. haii. why must you do this to me. sighs. but anyway. i hope you know that i still love you even though you dun me anymore. and unlike you to me, i am not lying to you. takecare and have a nice life.
iLOVEu
|11:37 PM|
changed url. again.
iLOVEu
|11:29 PM|
when someone says that they love you, its better not to believe them, cos in the end, it'll jus all be lies, and they will throw you one side and leave you there being miserable and wallowing in self pity and decomposing. okay. maybe it just happens to me.
what did i do anyway. haii.
iLOVEu
|6:44 AM|
perth.
day one
fetched wx, went airport. sat at the chair wif nuzie until cynthia and cheryl came, den went swensens to eat. den afterdat actually wanted to go viewing gallery de, but it was under renovation i think. den so we jus sat there like refugees. haha. den met jiawen and afterdat den we went terminal two and i almost fell in the skytrain cos i couldn hold on to anything. lol. den we took pics and tried to take ourselves many times but it was rather unsuccessful. den checked in. den went in through the departure gate, and we were told to go and eat or buy food onto the plane. den faizah cheryl wx me decided to go to the i dunno whr. den we bot chicken rice which was like ex. haha. den we were abit late, den we tot we very late la, so we were like sorta running to the boarding gate. which is so kuku cos its like almost e furthest gate, and ppl were looking at us oso. haha. den sat there and waited till it was time to board e plane. den on the plane, i wanted to send a msg, but the air stewardess was like nagging at me to off my phone and until i off den she go away. oh ya. den she was nagging at me, and saying what the cockpit there is sending out signals, den the phone oso send out signals, so thats why mus off phone. cos what might happen is that the plane might not be able to take off, or there might be an explosion. haha. okay. so i din get to send the msg. how sad la. haii. okay. den on the plane, damn boring can. cos its the horrible valuair, den dun have the screen den cant watch movie or whatever. den actually can buy this entertainment set thing, but we dowan waste money so din rent. oh den i sat nearest to the aisle, den cynthia sat between me and wanxin. den ya, very bored, den i was like 'vandalising' the box of my airplane food. haha. den ya, took quite alot of lame pics, den ya okay, reached perth. we went straight to commodore hotel. our room is like so not nice. so ulu one. oh i shared room with faizah and wanxin. den we pushed the beds together. ya. den watched some teevee, den went to sleep le. haha.
day two
oh. den the morning call was at 730. den we thought is 730 wake up, den 8 o clock go down for breakfast or something. thus, we took our own sweet time, and as usual, the pig [me] kept refusing to wake up. den at 8oclock, cynthia came up and said that we very early, and that we were the only room that hasnt gone down yet. lol. so we were like hurrying and go down. den mr chia was like looking at us, den we went to apologise to him say that we didnt noe that 730 we had to come down, cos they say morning call ma, so we thought that its 730 wake up. haha. den he was like, its okay, next time dun liddat alr. he's nice la actually. during this trip we realised. haha. den okay, took the coach to the orchard glory farm. on the coach i sat with faizah. haha. den on the way on the pastures there we saw lotsa moomoo, mehmeh, and nehneh. haha. so fun la. on the way we also stopped at a supermarket, where we bought milk and i bought my polly waffle and mint aero [which are chocolates]. haha. den we reached orchard glory farm. damn nice man. okay. den we looked at animals, den went to the vineyard, and learnt how wine is made, and we also saw sheep shearing. so poor thing la the mehmeh. got cut. ouch. den we took pics lying on the grass. the grass was really soft and nice, but abit the wet la. haha. den huiyun went to roll down the small grass slope, and as a result on side of her frameless specs the side thingy came out. haha. hmm den we went for lunch, which is this pasta thingy which has alot of herbs inside. den got coleslaw with celery.. eww so not nice, so i din touch much of it. haha. den after that we went to a orchard. which grew oranges and MANDARINS. haha. no such thing as mandarin orange. hahaha. den they show us how they wax and sort out the oranges and all. so smart can. den afterdat went back to the supermarket there so that huiyun could repair her specs, den in the end they used this wire in replacement of the side thing. smart. okay maybe you dunno what i talking about. nvm. ha. den we went back orchard glory farm, and we were assigned to our rooms. at first, huiyun yanti dhilshad shobana maisha faizah cheryl me were assigned to 'chalet' 17 one, den gitty wanxin cynthia and huiting assigned to 'chalet' 18 together with ms thang and mrs choo. den wanxin very not happy la, den i decided to change with her cos i figured that room 17 would be noisy and very not peaceful, and i would like prefer a more peaceful environment, and that the room 18 people were nice what. den wx keep refusing to change, make everyone so unhappy. HAIYER! haha. den in the end we changed la. haha. den so fun can. me and cynthia play hide and seek. den i went to hide in the wardrobe den she found me straightaway la. den when its my turn to find her, i couldnt find her la! i went to look everywhere, behind doors, the fridge, but couldnt find her la. den in the end i went out to the balcony and saw her. den we started laughing, den dhilshad and huiyun and faizah walked past and saw us laughing and look like so fun liddat so dey decided to come in and see. den dey come in le den dey go and follow me and cynthia arnd la. haha den aft dat i go walk round and round in a circle den dey follow. haha. so lamo. den afterdat we decided to take this 'video'. damn funny! we filmed this lipton damn cool advertisment, which consists of dhil cyn and me, den we oso filmed the 'dhilshad one-man show', and this signing of contract thing. DAMN lame can. hahaha. den afterdat cynthia and i were hungry, den we dun haf cup noodles wif us, den we heard dat chuiwen got cup noodles, so we wanted buy from her. so cynthia went to go to chuiwen's chalet to see whether can buy, den i go call and see whether haf not la. so i called, den someone answered, den i pretended to slang, and asked for chuiwen. den e person say chuiwen went out for a walk le. den i asked e person whether she noes whether chuiwen got cup noodles not. den she say she dunno. den i asked who is dat person. den it was sophia. and she really thought it was some ang moh can! hahaha. so lame la. den afterdat went for dinner already. it was still at the orchard glory farm there. it was this barbeque dinner. den got all e sausages and stuff. nice! den after dinner we watched a movie there! watched shall we dance. nice! den afterdat dey brought out this really nice chocolate cake to celebrate sumitra's bday. den some of us went out to see e stars. got ALOT can! really damn alot la. den it was soo freezing so went back in. n np person, cant rmb who, gave me a damn big slice of e cake! and i took so long to finish. haha. but its like really nice and chocolate-y. fattening though. haha. den afterdat we RAN back to the chalets. cos it was really cold. den cynthia had the key to our chalet la! den she din run can! she was strolling at e back so we had to wait for her to stroll to e chalet and opened it for us. den i went straight to e bed cos got the bed warmer, den i was really cold so i wanted to warm myself up abit. haha. den cynthia bathed first, den gitty, den me, and lastly huiting. den after bathing for a while den had to go sleep le. cos got e teachers ma. den dey make us sleep. haha. den me and huiting opened the windows quite big, and we on e fan abit oso. cos we wanted circulation. and the bed warmer rawks like mad can! it was really really nice and warm and cosy and nice la. haha. damn nice.
day three
next morning, woke up, went for breakfast. RATHER nice. hahaha. the apple juice was nice. haha. den afterdat. er. we went boshack. den it was supposed to be trekking, but it was raining, so we got driven around by this van thingy thingy instead. oh! den we had to wear TRASHBAGS and this kuku hat which has corks hanging down from it can! haha. den we went to this sheltered place where we listened to allt these aboriginal stories, and sang the waltzing matilda song which i posted in the previous entry, and ate this bread wif a whole in the middle where they cracked an egg there and i think this bread thing is called bushman's egg or sth liddat and its like really nice only that the runny egg yolk keeps running out. den drank billy tea, which was really horrible tasting but i tot mus drink finish so i forced myself to drink finish and almost puked, but i looked at other ppl's cups and they only drank less than half. nice man. den we ate this bread with sausage thing which had alot of onions on it, and i supposed thats why our plt kept farting afterthat. sheesh. oh den cos i forgot to take a picture of the bread with sausage thing so went to take another piece jus so i could take a pic of it. lol. den dhilshad and some other ppl tried the digeridoo, which is this weird instrument which makes farting noises. den ate gummy worms. den we [charlie] were the first group to leave that shelter thingy to go look at the kangaroos. den i attempted to feed the carrot to the kangaroo, but the kangaroos jus din want to eat my carrot. how mean of them. den went back to the coach. den we went to this bee farm, where many people rushed for the toilet, and even the guys toilet and the staff toilet was used. then we tried the honey. but i dun like. dunno why so many ppl like. then we looked at the bees, and some people bought honey ice cream, and i koped a little from them but its so sweet and i din like. haha. i almost bought it. cos it sounded nice. but after trying it, i din want to buy it anymore. then some ppl wanted to buy the honey, but dhilshad was saying, go frementle buy better and blah blah. then we went to the stargazing place. where we ate our dinner. and wanxin was damn gross. saying the sausage wrapping was the condom, and she took the 'condom' off and ate the sausage and was going to be pregnant. yes. sausages again. haha. den the teachers and np din eat the sausage can! what a waste of food. tsk. people in africa and dunno where are starving, and there they are, wasting food. TSK. den we went to stargaze. and saw scorpio and libra. den i dunno still got what. cos i wasnt really listening. lol. and found out that libra is like so pathetic can. boo. no gemini! haha. den went inside for this talk about mars and all. and they were saying soon we might get to go and live on mars. how interesting. i want. haha. den afterdat, went back to e dinner place there and drank milo and ate cake and sandwich and listened to lame jokes, den we went onto the coach le. den sang alot of songs, and it was RATHER fun. haha. den yes went back to our chalets, and this time i din run. haha. den gitty bathed, den me, den huiting, den cynthia. den when huiting came out, ALOT of steam came out la! den it sounded e smoke alarm can! the teachers were kinda shocked. haha. huiting is a damn lame poot. she say cos e room the air like very dry, very difficult to breathe, so after she bathed, she on the water to the hottest and left it on, so got alot of steam, hoping the air will be wetter. sheesh. lamo. den afterdat we all sat in huiting and my room and we talked, and the horrible teachers had to come interrupt us and make us sleep. den we on e fan again. the the bed warmed rawked again. hahaha.
day four
then in the morning, packed properly, went to breakfast. then on the way, we passed the chalet with the rest of charlie, and they were like shouting 'we're late we're late!' HAHA! damn hilarious can. den me and cynthia stood outside laughing. haha. den ya they were abit late for breakfast la. den mr chia talked to them. oh breakfast was almost e same thing la. still rather nice. haha. den we went sandboarding!! damn damn damn nice! the sand was really nice! we brought some back, by the way. haha. den we sandboard down the slope! it was really nice! then after the first time, we went another slope, which was steeper and higher! and halfway through i rolled off my sandboard but i went on it again, and pushed myself down again. haha. damn fun can. and the scenery was damn nice. and im a horrible person cos i accidentally brought sand onto the bus. boohoo. then went back to the bus, and we had this burger thingy, and they showed george of the jungle but i wasnt really interested so i decided to sleep instead. then we went to kings park which was rather boring cos it was jus all these plants and all. then shared an umbrella with dhilshad and the tour leader cos it was DRIZZLING and she forced us to go under the umbrella. drizzling only can. den she talked about her job and all lor. ya. then we went back to the coach, and was a little bit wet only while cynthia was like soaked. haha. then we went back to commodore hotel and put our luggage and change clothes, and again me faizah wx shared a room, but this time our room was like much nicer. haha. den we had to change clothes [cos some of us were wet] den go back down again. but i din change la. haha. den we went to this souvenir shop. where me and cynthia bought a packet of kangaroo jerky and shared it and it was really nice and ppl kept koping it from us cos they were too miser to buy it themselves cos it was like rather ex. haha. and some people kept saying its gross to eat kangaroo meat, but hello. you eat chicken and all also rite? so whats the difference. go be vegetarian lor! or you feel sorry for the vegetables oso? haha. lame. okay. then we went to this chinese restaurant to have our dinner. and the muslims sat separately and ate this pathetic kebab thingy while we had a small feast. lol. sumitra joined our table cos np too many ppl at their table. so our table got 10 ppl. and we ate so much can! charlie pigs la we. haha. we ate so much rice, and we finished all our food and even took np the food cos they couldnt finish can. haha. den the fruit came, and we like snatched it like as if eat slowly it will fly away liddat. den our fruit all finish le, we see the np table and the teachers table their one still so much. hahah. funny can. then when we were walking back to the coach, we saw this supermarket, so we went to ask mrs choo whether we can go and buy some food to eat in the hotel not, den she gave us 5 mins, so we RAN there can! kiasu! den we bought quite alot of food. this carton of fruit juice, cup pasta, canned spaghetti, chocolate eclair, powdered soup, chocolates and all. haha. then we went back hotel. and when we reached our room all three of us got stomach ache la! den wx already went into the toilet to shit le. den faizah and i had to go down to the lobby toilet to shit. it was damn funny can. cos while shitting we kept talking and laughing. luckily no one else was in the toilet at that time. haha. then in the end i din shit, cos i dunno why. maybe constipated or sth. lol. den went back to the room, den faizah bathed, den i bathe. den cheryl was saying her room haunted, so she bathed in our room toilet and din lock e door cos she was scared. lol. den we watched big brother channel, and ate e stuff we bought. and faizah and wx din like the instant food, cos it was rather cold, so me being the pig, ended up finishing for them cos I DO NOT LIKE TO WASTE FOOD AS I WOULD NOT LIKE TO FEEL BAD TOWARDS THE PEOPLE IN AFRICA. haha. den the eclair did not taste very nice cos it was sorta burnt. and i din eat the chips nor drink the soup. haha. den ya, slept.
day five
we werent late! but we were one of e last still. but we brought down our luggage le, so we din hafta go up after breakfast, so we had breakfast for a longer time. then. we went to this memorial place. which rained again. how lucky. then we went to eat fish and chips, which was like so big portion can. then faizah shobana and i shared a table. then cos we [faizah and i] couldnt finish the fries, but we wanted to bluff cheryl and wx that we finished, so we threw our fries into shobana's paper thingy [after she din wan eat alr of cos] den we bluffed them that we finished the whole thing! but in the end they found out. haha. then poor shobana's there got so much fries la! hahaha. then we went for this aboriginal talk which i was daydreaming qte alot of times, den we went back up the bus. they brought us to fremantle next. bought qte alot of things. actually not alot la. jus a lavalamp, chopper, 2 wine glasses [give ppl one la], this small magnet painting with small seashells on it, a mehmeh doorstopper which was like not worth it for a doorstopper but i bought it anw cos i found it cute, and i also cant rmb what le. ya la. not alot of things la. then they brought us to this shopping centre. where we only had a damn short time to shop can. then only stayed in one shop, bought a ripcurl bag which i really like, and this tshirt for my sis. im like nice. i din go buy for her those cheapo shirt can. den was damn sad cos there was another shop but i din go. haii. den went for dinner at this muslim restaurant where i din really have much appetite cos i din go to the other shop! and i heard that shop got alot of e branded stuff can! haii. den we went back to the hotel there cos we still needed buy souvenirs for ppl. den only souvenir shops were open. so we walked walked lor. den when gg back we saw some charlie ppl in front, so we started running la. den dey oso started running can! kuku! den afterdat felt rather uncomfortable cos we breathed in all the cold air while running ma. den we went to the airport. den got this shop! i was damn happy la. den cos i still had alot of money left haven spend, so i decided to buy more stuff from that shop. but in e end only bought 3 stuffs la. then spend $119+ aussie on that shop. which is about $150 sing. abit not worth it la but who cares. i am horribly materialistic. sigh. then checked in, and bought kangaroo jerky again, and bought this chocolate. ya. then boarded the plane, then faizah me cheryl sat together. at that order, faizah window. ya. then we sit down only then sleep le. sleep until going to land den we wake up. then we were like huh? so fast?! haha. ya. then reach spore. waited till my parents came, den fetched wx home oso. ya. thats all lor. haha. so fun rite! quick! be jealous! hahaha. it was really unforgettable la. and we bonded quite alot. hee. i love it! hahah.
-this was written long ago.
iLOVEu
|6:36 AM|
new blog AGAIN. please do not link me. or spread this url arnd. i dun wan many ppl to read. lol. like they'll be interested liddat. ha. shall copy and paste e perth entry to here. posting it in next entry. bye.
iLOVEu
|6:32 AM|